Back to Common Problems

Maintaining your child's emotional wellbeing

Introduction

Research tells us that promoting emotional wellbeing and resilience in your children gives them the best opportunity for a great start in life and means that when they are faced with difficult life events, they are more able to cope.  As a parent, you can play a vital role in promoting emotional wellbeing and developing resilience for your child.

When it comes to spending time with our children, quality is much more important than quantity. Try to set aside a specific time each day during which you engage in activities directed by your child; offer them your undivided attention and let them know they are your priority.

Properly listening is one of the most important ways that we can build resilience. Listening shows your child that you are interested in what they have to say and that you can see the world through their eyes. You don’t have to agree with what they are saying, but listening shows them that you respect them and teaches them self-respect.

Let your child know that everyone experiences pain, fear, anger, and anxiety – this may even encourage them to open up to you. While children are upset, sensitive listening provides emotional first aid.

When your child displays behaviour that is quite difficult –eg: has a tantrum, try to offer an emotional reflection, for example, “I wonder if you are feeling angry?” “I wonder if you are feeling frustrated?” This will help to increase your child’s emotional vocabulary and help them to move to using language to express themselves, rather than behaviour. 

One of the best things for promoting resilience is a belief that we are good at something. Parents who identify their children's strengths and help them develop those strengths will see their children become increasingly confident and resilient. They will gain a sense that they have something to offer the world.

Children will make lots of mistakes, even when trying their best. When our children do things that are wrong, we can focus on teaching them rather than punishing them. Often the most effective way to teach is to invite our children to think about how their actions made you feel and what they have learned from what they did.

Learning together with other parents can often be very beneficial. It sometimes can be helpful for every parent to be provided with tips and hints with things they are finding difficult. You should be able to find different types of parenting programmes provided by your local authority or health service - the best person to ask for any details would be your health visitor or school nurse. 

When our children struggle, we often want to tell them what to do to fix things. Constantly making decisions for your child can undermine their decision making skills and confidence.

When your child is faced with a problem, listen to them and try to see the world through their eyes. When they feel understood, ask them “What do YOU think we should do?”

Let your child know that you are willing to help and support. Then invite him or her to make a decision, and be supportive. If a decision is poor, offer gentle guidance or ask, “I wonder what might happen if we did that.” As your child thinks through the various possibilities, he/she will gain confidence in making her or his own decisions following challenging situations.

When you make a mistake, what do you do? Do you throw your hands in the air and say “it’s too hard” or do you see your mistake as a chance to learn something new?

When your child makes a mistake, what do you say to them? Show them that you see setbacks and failures as an opportunity for learning and improving. By teaching them that continued effort and practice are the keys to success, setbacks are no longer seen as frightening, and children become more resilient – willing to take risks, become more inquisitive and to try new things.

Be aware of behavioural changes that could indicate your child is struggling. If their teacher tells you that they are having trouble getting along with other children in class, don’t just shrug it off as being out of character and hope for the best. 

If your child shows an unusual amount of anxiety, fear, anger or stress, it is important to get them the help that they need. The needs of your child should always outweigh how you think you will be viewed as a parent. If you have any concerns, don’t keep this to yourself, as it is vital that you talk to someone; this could be with friends, parents, teachers, health visitors or GPs. 

Although it's important to prioritise our children's needs, it's equally important to remember that how we are feeling has a huge impact on how they feel. Children are naturally highly attuned to their parents' moods. Putting on a brave face or denying our frustrations will never fully mask what we are feeling, and these feelings are sure to impact on them.

Taking care of our own mental health is a key factor in helping our children feel happy - parents with good mental health will be better equipped to help their children.

There are many sensory issues associated with sleep including:

  • Sensitivity to sound, touch, and visual stimuli which can be distracting and distressing and can affect the process of falling asleep.
  • Interoception difficulties, particularly recognising when hungry, full or thirsty or when the person is tired. 
  • Some children are more sensitive to foods like sugar, caffeine and additives which keep people awake.

Look at the bedroom environment to see what may be affecting their ability to go to sleep and stay asleep. Do their pyjamas and bedclothes feel comfortable, are they too hot or cold?  Is it too light or too dark, too noisy or too quiet? Perhaps it is too cluttered and stimulating. Think about your child’s diet. Are they eating too early or not having enough to eat? Are they eating food that can stimulate them close to bedtime. There can be added difficulties where children have restrictive diets but some simple adjustments of what is eaten and when can make a big difference. 

Click here for more information on sensory issues.
 

Sticking to the same routine helps your child to know what to expect at bedtime and helps them feel secure. It also helps to support your child’s internal body clock and keep it on track. The age related sleep advice and information on this website can help with establishing routines. Some children will benefit from using picture timetables, timers or social stories to help them understand their bed-time routine. More information about visual supports can be found on these websites

Visual Resources | Autism West Midlands 
Visual Supports | Autism Toolbox Autism Toolbox

Your child may be feeling overstimulated after a busy day and needs help to wind down, or their environment may be overstimulating with lots of toys, TVs and computers within reach. Avoiding TV and computers or hand-held devices an hour before bedtime can help your child to wind down. Activities that are good for the wind down period are jigsaws and colouring. Having a relaxing bath and milky drink can help some children, but for some children having a bath can over-excite them so they may need to have their bath earlier in the day.

Children who wake to use the toilet, wet the bed, or who wear nappies or pull-ups at night that need changing may have disturbed sleep. Eric, the children’s bowel and bladder charity are a good source of advice on this topic.

 

What might help 

Keeping a sleep diary 

A sleep diary can help you understand what may be causing difficulties with sleep. Fill it out every evening and record as much as you can. You can use it to spot patterns and make changes that may help. 

The Sleep Charity have templates you can download; one for teenagers and one for younger children. 

Seeking advice and help from sleep services 

There are organisations that can help you if you are having difficulties with your child’s sleep. There are many national organisations, including those who specialise in sleep for SEND families, and there are also community-based services in Shropshire, Telford and Wrekin. Click the link at the bottom of page to visit our support services page. 

Understanding sleep cycles 

The circadian sleep cycle is a 24-hour cycle that helps govern essential bodily functions especially the sleep-wake cycle. It plays a vital role in a person’s ability to sleep in one consolidated block of time at night and to stay awake during the day. As the sun sets in the evening, the brain begins producing melatonin, a hormone that induces sleepiness. Core body temperature also drops.

As melatonin and tryptophan (an amino acid which helps produce melatonin) are naturally produced in the body, there are things you can do to help their production.  Darkness helps to promote the production of melatonin which is why it is a good idea to put your child to sleep in a darkened room, and light emitting devices such as tablets and phones also can destroy melatonin so should not be used for at least an hour before bed. New research shows that limiting exposure to screens and increasing physical activity levels during the day has a positive effect on children's overall physical, mental health and wellbeing, including sleep.

Setting a waking time consistently even in holiday times, which is called ‘anchoring’ the wake time, can help to reset the body clock over time. This should be accompanied with exposure to lots of light on waking to support circadian rhythm. 

Melatonin and tryptophan occur naturally in some foods and drinks such as milky drinks and cereals which is why having a milky drink before bed can help settling to sleep. For more information visit Diet & Sleep - The Sleep Charity

Prescriptions of melatonin

Behavioural strategies and practical solutions are the best way to address sleep difficulties, but if they are having a significant impact on your child’s ability to function, a drug form of melatonin is sometimes prescribed for neurodivergent children. As the drug’s function is to re-set sleep and wake cycles, it works best combined with good sleep hygiene practices. It is important that is it taken under medical supervision and not purchased on-line so that it is closely monitored for dosage and side effects. It should be prescribed for the shortest period necessary as the long-term effects of the drug on children’s development are not yet known.

 In Shropshire, Telford and Wrekin the Community Paediatric Service and the CAMHS (BeeU) Service) can prescribe melatonin for children and young people who meet ALL of the following criteria.

  1. the child/young person must be open to and being treated by the service due to a neurodevelopmental/mental health need (diagnosis is not required but the child must be being seen by the service, not on a waiitng list)
  2. sleep issues are causing significant impact on the child/ young person, for example due to daytime sleeping or behavioural problems that are impacting daily functioning or educational attendance
  3. behavioural approaches have been tried and failed. These may have been offered by the service (where available) or by community sleep support services.

GPs are unable to prescribe melatonin although they sometimes issue repeat prescriptions when prescribing has been started by a specialist (such as a paediatrician or child psychiatrist). 

Further support 

Click on the link below to visit a page with information about

  • national websites and sleep organisations
  • local community services in Shropshire, Telford and Wrekin.